May 2, 2017

Giving up is not the answer [Rejected Admission]

I’ve been in a position when my life seems at its lowest. Sun, sky, and flowers seem so dark and death. I felt so pointless, useless, and alone. It was the hardest feeling in my life to accept the fact that I was left behind when it was the moment where I should be hugged, I was rejected when it was the moment where I should be shined, and I was ignored when it was the moment where I should be supported.

At that moment, I felt that life was so unfair and living was an unnecessary thing to do. With the problems that bring endless pain to my life, I felt that I couldn’t get up and would never be able to stand. Every time I felt that I stepped up one stair higher, life pushed me 2 or even 3 stairs far backward till I did not have strength to move.

After ages been hit by the sorrow, I started to look at my surrounding and realized there are lots of people who are far behind me and I’m so fortunate I could be in this position. Although it is painful, I believe it is not as painful as those who are struggling that much. It was so unbelievable that they could survive. Then I think, “They have been in the position that far worse than me, but they nailed it. Why can’t I?” In that point I realized giving up is not the answer, and I have to take another step stronger than before.

This is the turning point in my life where I could finally see life from different glasses. I could not deny my sadness, nor could I easily skip it. However, I tried to take my step higher by be grateful for where I stand today. I stop seeing life negatively, but see it as a priceless gift. A gift that help you to think about yourself and be a better person, a gift that could open your eyes and see how beautiful and fortunate are you, a gift that make you finally think that the hope is there and you are about to nail it not for other people but simply for you, to make yourself proud and happier than before.

I realized, you will never be able to find happiness if you keep finding ones, instead you just have to make what you have now to be the reason of your happiness by be thankful with whatever condition you are now facing.

August 23, 2016

Do I have to follow my brain or my heart?

Is it true that love comes naturally and we cannot choose who we fall in love with ?

hmm.. when you frequently spend time with someone, you most likely will have a feeling towards that person. Am I right? although it is your best friend, you will have this feeling even it is only a small feeling and sometimes you tend to hide it. So, this might probably true. 

But a question remains...

Should I fall in love with him/her?

The answer is in yours. You have to look deeper to the situation.

A super long time ago, I ever been in such situation when I have to choose whether I have to follow my heart or I have to follow my brain coz logically I should not fall in love. Why? because I was in the position where I entered a certain circumstance which make me love those ppl unconditionally as friends and I will definitely broke this circle. But then the feeling came, and I could not ignore it. I million times think what should I do with it, should I follow my heart and broke them or should I go and let them forget the problems. Do I have to sacrifice my feeling? can I or should I?

The answer is I have to sacrifice my feeling and try not to be selfish by just following my heart without thinking of other people(re: them) I understand that we cannot choose who we fall in love with, but we definitely can control our feeling. And I control my feeling to stop any further huge feeling to him. Although it is hard and hurt to sacrifice my feeling, I have to know my position that they had been so kind to me. Do you think they deserve to be given such thing as a reply of their kindness to me? broke them into pieces? Of course no. Besides, it is so childish that we have to argue about man/woman. Come on there are million people in this world! Then I decided to go with this in mind I might probably hurt, but they are definitely broken. So I follow my brain and left. This is the very great decision that I ever made in my life cz I finally think about other people' feeling and not only from my pov.

In short, it is true that you cannot choose who you love or resist your feeling, but you can definitely control your feeling. Do not make an excuse by saying that you cannot do anything because it's love and it comes naturally. Hell no! You can choose to stay or leave depend on the situation that you think is better for all of you and not only you. It is only a matter of your bravery and sense of feeling as human. Never be afraid that you won't find a person like him/her. Believe me, God will repay ur kindness with someone better :)

August 14, 2016

My parents do not love me

Ever feel so?
I used to think that way..

We know that family is the people who (supposedly) love you, care of you, and you feel like home when they are around.
Every people always have different kind of family and expectation towards their family. And I.. I always envy my friends' families who travel a lot, who have parents like friends (understand u a lot), who rich, who funny, and so many things.
Sounds great huh? having a perfect family like I stated above?
Does it mean I do not have a perfect family?
hmm let's see..
I can say my family is individualist and people inside (me, my brother, and my parents) are like robots and home is a place for us to take a rest and eat. We have different life, different schedule, and business. We wake up and come back home at different time depend on our schedule bcs we don't have certain habit that require us to be in the same place together. We rarely talk to each other, and even it is possible for me to not meet my father / my brother for 2 or 3 days. Not because they did not come back home, but because we are too busy with our business in our room or my father who is too busy with his jobs that makes him wake up too early and come back home too late. They also rarely angry at me whenever I come back home very late or if my GPA do not meet their expectation.
See the problem in my fam? yes! it's communication.
I never told my life story to my family, especially about my bf because I think they don't care, and if they care I just don't want to add another burden in their heads. Besides, they rarely ask me about my life problems so it's better for me to remain silent because they do not want to hear or simply do not care up until..... I got a problem.

This problem was quiet serious for me and I was asking lot of people advices. Some of the advices said that I should tell my mother because I would feel relieve and feel safe so I could get better sooner. I tried, but yes it sounded like my mother did not care so I did not continue my story and still I feel anxious.. for a long time..
Then I have this guy who helped me a lot. He is my brother's friend, he lives in my house, and I could see that he cares about me that much. Thus, I decided to tell him my unimportant story. I told him my problems, how I turned to be shit, and my communication probs with my fam.
Surprisingly.... He told me something.. something unbelievable.
He told me that my parents really care of me and love me that much.
but.. really?
He said Yes! without me telling them that I am having a problem, They know. They exactly know whenever I have the problems and they did feel my sadness. They never showed it, but he told me that my father always ask my condition and my problems. A simple thing that my brother's friend told me that you guys might probably want to try is.. whenever you are having a problem, see the face changing in your parents. They will.. definitely change their faces because they simply feel sad and feel pity with us, their gold. I tried, and it was real.

It's true that parents are the people who know us well more than anyone else. It's true that love do not have to be shown directly to us, but you actually can feel it. Believe me, if you think your parents do not love you, open your eyes and think again! even you are in the very worst condition, remember that your mother still want to give birth to you and let you alive which mean she loves you. And if you think your family is not perfect, look around and be thankful :) you probably expect something for your family, but be reminded that nobody perfect and be thankful that they love you that's what matters most. Although they do not show it, open your eyes! they actually did but we pretend to be blind because we are focusing ourselves to find the perfection.

be thankful, at least we still have them and ever felt their love in our life :)

August 1, 2016

Had a worst birthday? Think again!

Everyone must dreams of something special in his or her special day, in this case a birthday. I do hope something special in my birthday, some cool surprise with fancy gift or amazing bday decoration, or even a simple thing like I hope someone who I think special will come or simply text me and give birthday wishes. Last week, I ever think that my birthday which on 30th July would be boring and would not be special at all because last year I literally did nothing and Antoni was in Slovakia for AIESEC at that time, but he called me at 12 pm with roaming credit and selfishly I still hope he would send me something or anything that could make me happier (again... so selfish and I regret myself in doing so)

That thing was actually the reason behind my crazy plan to escape from home to somewhere although I have to travel alone so that I could celebrate my birthday somewhere in nicer place and hope I could just skip my bday faster. But then something bad happened to me and my friend gave me an advice to be good and dutiful to my parents and hope God will heal my problems, then I follow her advice and follow my mom's words to just stay at home. I tried to accept and did not expect anything in my bday. I was surprised because exactly at 12 am on 30 July my family gave me a surprise which they did not do this last year and another years back.

In this point I realize what matters is not the fancy gift or huge balloons, but how you could be thankful of what you've got in ur birthday, in your age now. And from that, I realize I should be thankful to God that still let me experience my 20, and surrounded by people who love me to death. Besides, growing old means a changing of your mindset. This actually the thing that you need to consider in your birthday. Do I really grow mentally? Do I really mature enough in this old age? Do I really need those fancy gifts or bday decoration or stuff?

I remember my brother's birthday. My father was hospitalized when he was having a birthday. He did not have gf and his friends were out of town. Nobody gave him surprises except me and my brother's friend who lives in my house. Sad huh? I look at myself and I realized I was that stupid ever think to escape or expect fancy gift or stupid bday decoration while my brother only expect that my father could get better soon and could celebrate his bday with us in home together as one complete family :")

So try not to be selfish guys.. These are the common cases why you (and I used to think) your bday could probably the worst and hope u could rethink again

1. Nobody gave you a surprise while others are given cool surprise
Hey! surprise is only one of the examples of love's expression, and love can be expressed through many ways. Believe me, bday wishes is also a form of love. If someone does not love you, do you think they probably want to greet you? 

2. Someone who you think special did not greet you and gave you bday wishes 
It's probably sad to think about it, but be reminded that it is only a small part of your world! You still have plenty of people who love you and who you can love!! If in this case it's your family, think positively that they might remember but busy at that time to work FOR YOUR PROSPERITY. 

3. I was sick/ I lost someone I love 
I really hope that you don't experience this, but just don't put a mindset that your birthday which supposedly be beautiful turned to be the worst day in your life. Again, you surrounded by many people who love you and care of you and always be there to support you. Be thankful that in this age, you still be given another age to pray for your lover who for instance already passed away or left you somewhere. Be thankful that you still could experience this beautiful world that many many people couldn't since some are given such a short time to actually experience this beautiful world.

In short, birthday is not something you should celebrate with fancy party and such things, but your birthday should be marked by your maturity. The way you think, the way you build your perspective to see this world and your surrounding. For me, the most important thing is how you could become a better person every year. If you could just at least be thankful of what you've got now (which you actually start to be a better person who could think wisely) you do not actually need number and candle to mark that you are growing old, but your behavior already become the witness that you already step up into more mature world and be a better person through self introspection :)

July 30, 2016

Got rejected? time to stand up!

I believe everyone ever felt rejected in their life  failed to attend certain university, failed to pass exam, got rejected to join an organization, or simply got love rejected.

I know the feeling when you feel rejected and feel very disappointed because life goes with the thing that it should not be(according to your own thought). I do ever felt rejected in my life, even worse because in this year I felt rejected like a lot. I got rejected when I applied for both modern and traditional dance in my university, I also got rejected 5 or 6 times when I applied for MUN competition team, being part of a committee, scholarship, and even volunteer program. Yes it hurts when you got rejected like a lot, you must feel like you are the most stupid person in this world or feel like a loser. Those questions might circling around in your mind and you could not move on from that, especially if it is the thing that you really want most. Yes! I-know-the-feeling! Feel sad it's actually okay.. but if it takes so long it's really not healthy at all because your sadness will turned to be sort of depression. Do you know the effect of depression? lose weight, lose spirit, think of suicide, and many other things. scary huh?

Then.. what should we do when we felt rejected?

At first, it is fine to express your sadness like crying or be alone. But make sure to limit your sadness for certain period of times. 3 days or 1 week for instance. You are the one who know yourself very well so you must know which rejection should last for how long, make sure it is not that long.

Once you feel done with that, try to think about the rejection that you've got. Still sad it's okay, but this is the time for you to finally think and do self-introspection. Because in previous phase your brain and your heart are not balancing each other which make you could not think well.

What kind of self introspection do I have to take?

Think of the reasons why you got rejected. Ask yourself!
Did I already put my best efforts?
Did I already do the thing that other winners do?
Did I do it well?

If you already find the answers, time for you to STAND UP and NEVER GIVE UP.
Imitate those winners strategy and use it in your next battle!
experience is the best teacher, so if you failed a lot in your previous battle. At least you know the field well in your next battle better than anyone. It's a good thing right?
Believe me, those who never give up will reward something unpredictable

Believe in yourself that you could do it, and good luck!

July 28, 2016

Exercise is da real cure for your problems

Exercise is very identic with lot of sweat and exhausted, which make lot of people do not like exercise or choose not to do exercises, especially when they are having problems (I know some will choose to only laying on bed like me, or take cigarettes to let the nicotine temporary calm you). But believe me I have more effective pain cure for you problems... and it's EXERCISE!

Since I was kids I accustomed to do outdoor sport activity that required me to move my body and produce lot of sweat!(maybe this was the reason why my body was so tanned HAHA) I joined traditional dance and basketball in my elementary school, I joined Taekwondo in my Junior High, and joined Cheerleader in my secondary school(up until now this is the best sport that I love), and in my University there are no sport activities that make me feel interested to join so I decided to not join any. But it doesn't make me stop to do sports. I joined Muay Thai class near my house and sometimes I do morning run, or just simply do some push-up, sit-up, and squat before I go to sleep.

You probably think I do sports because I like it and already accustomed to do sports so it will be easy for me to do sports in any condition. NO! accustomed to sports only help to motivate me to do sports, but believe me it was also hard for me to do sports in such unstable condition. But I have a trick! Every time I feel not in the mood to do sports, I always remember the benefit of exercising. The very benefit that I personally got from sports are I become less stressful, I rarely got sick, and I can sleep well! This is actually the very very benefit that I look for. Because recent weeks I had lot of things in mind which made me could not sleep at all and could not do any sports activities(bcs problems made me too lazy to do anything) I could probably sleep at 6 in the morning, or sleep at 2 but wake up every half n hour. This problem also made me loss my weight up to 4kg in a week. Crazy huh? Since I've been stuck in such suck situation, I decided to do sport activities again rather than crying everyday on my bed(believe me it just make things worse!) so with all the remaining energy that I have, I try to fight my sadness and do exercises.



1. I used to drain my sadness by crying over and over again, which is not healthy since you gonna feel unwell after that such as headache. But with exercises I could drain my sadness with more positive ways. In Muay Thai, I have to punch and kick the punch bag. So when I punch or kick this punch bag, I just have to drain my sadness and disappointment to this punch bag. A simple exercise like running could also help! every time you feel sad, run and run as fast as you can and imagine you are running from your past and try to reach your future (this works in me)

2. I used to sleep unwell -- anxious and frequently wake up, but now after doing exercise I'm able to sleep well because after you doing exercise no matter it is 2 hours or only half n hour, your body will be so tired and you automatically will sleep well. And be reminded exercise also help you to reduce stress since exercises produce endorphins(sort of chemical in brain that trigger your mood) which makes you feel less stressful and do not have to think about a thing that burden your feeling soo you definitely could sleep well!

It's da real cure man! You have to at least try it!

For those of you who never have daily sport activities or even do not like it. Always remember the benefit of exercising! And if you want to try but still doubt yourself, don't worry! try to motivate yourself to out from your sadness and your problem with more positive ways rather than let the sadness control you and you will never out from it.  

Do you want the sadness control you? or you control the sadness by a simple thing like exercising?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

July 26, 2016

Do I Need Volunteer Job?

Should I become volunteer? Do I need this?
I understand some people might get confuse or uncertain in taking job as volunteer, and I also ever think about that before. Some people think that volunteer is bullshit, only spend your time, or even it spends your money a lot. On the other side, some people might probably think volunteer is actually cool because my CV gonna look cooler and I'm gonna have lot of friends.

it's good, but it is actually more than that...

The best thing about being a volunteer is you could give your real contribution to help others without ask anything in turn and you could make other people happy. And imagine if you join volunteer that could be beneficial and give insight to other people. Hmm.... Never thought a small thing could be this cool huh?

Let me take example of my last volunteer job that I joined. For 3 days I had to give knowledge and information about sexual violence to new students in 3 different senior high school in Jakarta each day. When I taught in the school, I could see that students were still taboo with sexual things and indeed most of them did not know the form of sexual harassment and violence. I saw that their understanding was not that good. Some were only considered sexual violence as free sex, some said sexual violence was the thing that Saiful Jamil did..


But we know that it is more than that. A small thing like peeking or kissing without consent (although this person is ur bf/gf) are the examples of sexual violence too that they might never thought about this before. When I finished passing this knowledge to the students, you don't have to actually ask them whether they understand or not, but you can see the differences afterwards (which proven by pre and post test that I given). The differences which you finally take a step to contribute to help your surrounding and your country's future to stop sexual violence that start from them. From them to be aware with their surrounding, and be brave to speak.

This is the thing that even money would not be able to pay. When you could give insight to them, they understand, and they could implement this in their life, that's more than enough :")

Remember, volunteers are not get paid not because they are worthless, but because they are priceless.

Still doubt yourself you could contribute this big? Try & Start now! See what will you get, Gluck ;)